Who's a dumbass?!

If you are a dumbass, you need to own it.  
Just say it.  
Get a damn shirt and let me know so I don't even have to waste time trying to figure it out...

I can help you identify or disqualify yourself as a dumbass.  Ready?  Answer yes or no...no maybe or sometimes allowed.  Commit to a yes or no.

Do you still get confused as to which form of your or you're to use?
Do you think it's acceptable that Bush said 'nuc-u-lar' as opposed to 'nuclear'?
Do you have any electronic device in your home blinking '12:00'?
Do you think that ordering a diet soda negates the fact that you super sized your meal?
Do you think stop signs are actually code for Softly Tap On Pedal?
Do you watch Glenn Beck and feel enlightened?
Do you post lots of pictures on facebook that include kitties and captions?
Do you drive a Prius?
Do you have a pet that you are making payments on?
Do you think that text spelling is acceptable in any other forum?
Do you think margarine is butter?
Do you wash your dishes before you put them in the dishwasher?
Do you think that the world is really going to end on December 21, 2012?

If you said yes to at least two of these, you are a dumbass.

Hey, I just ask the questions!  
Don't get mad at the messenger, honey...
just worry about the message  ;)

 

Shitty blogger, awesome facebooker!

So, I apparently am a shitty blogger...I'm thinking that blogging should be something like keeping a diary.  I don't have to do it every day, for damn sure...maybe not even every week...but I suppose every month would be a realistic goal.  I'll work on it.

So much has happened since October, which is the last time I blogged.  Nothing of major importance or consequence...just the day to day stuff of being a mom, wife, and me :o)

I have been thinking a lot about facebook...I feel like it's not as it should be for me.  I want to just go all crazy and rant and say whatever the hell I like.  Isn't that sorta the idea behind it?  Well, I have "people" I need to take into account...mostly the stupid ass dippy doodles who are pissing me off and also happen to be my 'friends' on facebook.  This may lead you to wonder why the hell I'm friends with a bunch of morons who are just workin' my nerves.  Honey, I wonder that same thing too!!!

The answer is just too simple...I am related to a lot of these people and when they "friend" me, I feel obligated to click ok.  How do you not do it?  People will ASK why you didn't accept their friend request!  Ballsy, I know.

If I request someone as a friend and they don't oblige, I am pissed off and don't give a shit why they ignored me.  I just know they will be added to my list...that list being my shit list. 

There are other people too, added for any plethora of reasons.  In the end, once you have someone on your friend list, they are there to stay for at least a while.  I have only ever deleted a few people, and that was with much guilt.  They were either LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME or totally offensive.  And I deleted them without any explanation.  No warnings from this bitchy blogger.

I have seen quite a few people post a note warning us all that they are going through their list and eliminating the riff-raff.  Some even ask why they should keep you.  Really?  If your list is that full of jackholes, you should probably just delete facebook altogether.

I do enjoy my facebook though, so don't think I'm all sour grapes and raging estrogen.  I love me some Farmville and Words with Friends.  I loooove to see current pictures of people who used to intimidate me with all their loveliness only to turn into another middle aged doofus.  It's an awesome thing to see the current events in the lives of those important to me even when they are thousands of miles away.  And who doesn't like joining all those silly ass pages..."when I was younger I would record my favorite songs off the radio onto tape" or "when I read your status, I mentally correct your grammar mistakes".  Ahhh, the depth of my internet wanderings is astounding.

It's sort of sad that I have all this at my fingertips and don't use it for bigger and better things.  I don't really have any clue what this insane housewife could accomplish, but surely it's got to be more than what I've done thus far.  Hell, suggestions are welcome.  Now, I need to sign off and go check my facebook updates.

Paging Stephen Hawking...Stephen? Hawking?

I don't know how I am going to do it, but I have decided to learn how to manipulate time.  It's on my 'to-do' list....so I will get to it..............................................eventually.  

There are soooo many reasons I want to do it....need to do it....but it's mostly just so I can sleep for about 18 hours straight and not feel guilty or have anyone feel the need to bug me.  If I can manipulate the space time continuum, surely everyone would appreciate that and allow me oodles of uninterrupted sleepy time.  Right?

I suppose there are other things that could be done with such power...

     -track down Hitler as a youth and send him to live in the African bush.

     -let OJ's ex-wife know he is on the way over for an unexpected visit.

     -get in touch with Janet Jackson and suggest a new outfit for the Super Bowl.

     -send a note to Al Gore to check into how hanging chads can be avoided.

     -go ahead a few decades and see if I can get wind of the cure for cancer...or at least the common cold.

     

There are so many important, admirable things I could do.  Truly.

But I would seriously be happy to just be able to squeeze even just two more hours into each of my days so I can still  run PTO meetings and events, lead the Girl Scout troop, participate in all aspects of Relay for Life....oh, and work, get my kids to and from school, as well as washed, clothed and fed...clean the house and the dishes...BLOG...do the shopping...find time to smile at my husband...and take a potty break every so often.  And after all that, get my oodles of sleep that I am so desperately wanting.

Stephen Hawking, we must get together and work on this issue of time...

Morons driving cars and bitches with Tourettes...

Okay, let me preface this with the acknowledgment that I may think I am the most considerate and thoughtful driver out there, when in fact I am probably totally pissing off everyone within a one mile radius due to my driving skills...or lack thereof...that being said, let the bitching begin!!!

I am one hundred percent positive that THE MOST MORONIC DRIVER'S IN THE WORLD all have children who attend the same school as my kids.

That ain't even funny.

My kiddos attend a charter school that does not offer busing and we live a few miles away...so my crazy little animals have to be transported to and from school every day.  No biggie.  I signed up for parenthood(see previous post on this damn blog somewhere) and I accept that it is work...work that includes serving as a chauffeur who drives a well loved minivan and never gets tips.  Oh well.

So anyway, back to the morons...

First of all, I think there should be a law that you CANNOT leave your car running and then walk away...stroll across the parking lot...hustle on over and make chit chat with a friend...move any farther than two feet away from your vehicle that is currently ON and a possible machine of death if some child decides to get in and screw around.  And when these dumb ass people do it when their car is the one DIRECTLY in front of mine...HO   LEE   SHIT!!!  They obviously cannot read my lips as I cuss them out and shake my fist in fury.

Secondly, I do not understand what sort of nitwit would look at the pick-up lane, see that everyone is parked on the right side and then exiting in the left of the lane...and decide to sit in the mothertruckin' left lane.  HO  LEE  SHIT!!!  Do they not realize that I have shit to do, places to go, other morons to obsess over?!  Seriously people.  Tobi is here.  Pay attention.

  

In my moments of insanity and rage, when I am getting depressed about the fact that I cannot jam my minivan into the back of that gas guzzling SUV in front of me...I sit open mouthed and agog, in wonder at the absolute selfishness of these other drivers.  I do, I really do.  My kids are just as important as yours(well, a lot more important as they have my blood running through their veins and will probably change the world someday)...I have things to do as well(mostly just Farmville and thinking of snarky things to create a blog about)...and I want to get outta that clusterfuck too! 

Besides, someone might recognize me as the PTO President...and how would that look when I am flipping off another parent and doing my best impersonation of a drunken sailor?!  Don't fret, I have a plan.  I will just have to pretend I have Tourette's and hit the gas like a champ! 

Parenting isn't easy....but monkeys do a better job than some of you...

I love my kids.  I truly do.  I know they love me too...but they don't like me a lot of the time.  And I don't give a shit.  In fact, in my mind that means I am doing my job right.

I am getting really tired of all these parents out there who do things in order to please their children, to look cool or make themselves feel good.  What a bunch of idiots we have raising the next generation.  The rest of us should all be afraid...very, very afraid.

I know parents who let their teenagers drink and smoke and party at home.  No lie.  What the hell are they thinking?  How do you teach your child to become a responsible adult when you yourself are a complete dipshit?

Doing things in order to please your child is like letting the monkeys run the zoo...not such a great idea and bound to fail.  We as parents are supposed to set the example and lead the way...not sit on our asses and give in to some snotty ass kids demands because saying yes is so much easier than saying no.  NO is my favorite parental word.  Two little letters that mean oh so much. 

No means I have made a decision.  No means I am in charge.  No means you better do as you are told.  No means I have the upper hand.  No means you are my subordinate.  No means NO.  

I wish these nitwits who have created these spoiled brats would just stop the madness.  Stop giving them the newest, fanciest phones...especially when they continually lose them.  Stop making their bedrooms into little palaces filled with whatever their little black hearts desire...especially because these kids with computers and internet are turning into hoochies and pervs.  Stop letting them wear whatever they want and buy it from anywhere they want...especially because they don't pay for it and they sure don't appreciate it.

It pains me that these people don't have enough intelligence to think ahead and understand the ramifications of what they are doing.  Sure, you go ahead and be the the "cool" parents for now.  You certainly will never win Parent of the Year, but I can promise, you are definitely in the running for Idiot of the Year.  In fact, I am going to nominate a whole slew of dummies when I am done here.  

Trust me, I am well aware that I myself am not Parent of the Year material myself.  It's not for lack of effort though.  I make my kids eat what I cook...and my cooking ain't grand, so I understand how painful this can be.  I make them wear clothing from stores that have "mart" in the title.  Insanity, I know.  I have bedtimes and make them be in BED at the predetermined TIME.  I have them do chores and do not give rewards for doing what they should be doing.  No one gives me a dollar for putting my dirty undies in the hamper, why the hell would I give you one?  I make sure that my cell phone, television, and computer are all nicer than whatever my offspring have...I am the adult, I buy my own things, it's my right.

There are days my kids make me want to lock them in a cage...or lock myself in a closet.  Kids do that.  It's their job.  So that way, when they move out, as much as we will miss them, we will also be glad to have that part of parenting over and done!  

Until that lovely day, many years from now, I have work to do.  I don't always want to get up off my duff and miss the end of whatever show I might be watching just to make sure the kids are indeed cleaning their rooms.  I never feel like reminding them that they don't get a toy at the store unless they have earned their allowance.  I don't like cooking for them 90% of the time, when it's sooo much easier to order out or pop something in the microwave.

However, I am not a moron, douche, or asshole.  So I do what I am supposed to do as a GOOD parent.  And will continue to do it, for my entire life.  To all of you who do the complete opposite, I would like to wish you luck in dealing with your spoiled, selfish monsters as they grow into self-absorbed entitled adults...but I don't feel like it.  I'm far too tired from having just parented all day.

There's a penis on my Nickelodeon show!

So, that weird picture is Muno, from Yo Gabba Gabba!, a show on Nickelodeon aimed at preschoolers.

I KNOW I am not the only person that sees this for what it is.  It is totally a penis thing...a one eyed monster...a french tickler...

Why?  Isn't the freaky-deaky dude in a spandex onesie enough to keep us rubber-necking parents glued to the tube?  Yes, he is....but adding Muno just takes it to a whole 'notha level of creepiness.

And then some of the songs...God help us.  "There's a party in my tummy"?  Or maybe my mind is totally perverted and I am making something lovely and innocent ugly and gross...

What about other song that makes me scowl and wonder how many pedophiles are on the creative staff for this show...the lyrics go a little something like this(well, EXACTLY like this, I googled it)...

"Try it. You’ll like it.
Try it. You’re gonna like it.

I know it’s new, and you’ve never tasted it.
You’ll just have to trust in me.
Just give it a try."

Whatcha tastin' there, darlin'?  Do we even want to know?  Am I totally fucked in the head or is Nickelodeon just prepping my kids for some sort of sick pedophile fest?  I don't know...but I'm watchin'.

What is YOUR legacy?

I am not the person I planned on being...  

I had big plans, lots of dreams...  

there were so many people I wanted to be...  

a paleontologist...  

an architect...  

an author...  

a teacher...  

a lawyer... 

a psychologist... 

I was going to go to college...and finish, get that diploma!

I was going to marry by 24 so that I would have my first child at 25.

I was going to be done having children by the age of 30 and then really focus on my career.

I was going to be appreciated for my intellect.

I was going to make my mark on the world in some way that would be a true legacy.

Of course, this was all in my head.  What I thought I could do if everything just went according to plan...but plans change.  Life is like that.  Sometimes it's happenstance...and sometimes I believe it's God at work.

I am not a college graduate...I started and left...and started again...and left again.

I didn't marry by 25...I was a couple of years late on that one.

I had my first child at 21...and, gasp, out of wedlock!

I did have my last child at 30...so take that!  That's one for me, suckers.

I am appreciated for making sure underwear is washed and cookies are stocked.

I haven't made a mark on the world in the way that I intended.

I am not a paleontologist...but I can answer all sorts of questions about dinosaurs for my eight year old son.

I am not a lawyer...but still find joy in a good argument and making sure I have my say.

I am not a teacher...but I am a mother, and I have a chance to teach my kiddos something new all the time.

I am not an author...but I have internet access and this blog, and that will do(for now).

My legacy will not be a book that defines a generation...a discovery in Montana that changes the face of what we know about dinosaurs...or designing the world's most beautiful skyscraper.  Ah, how that pains me...

Instead, I am married to a man that loves me for me....bitchy, lazy about mopping and cleaning toilets, prone to trying recipes that totally tank, un-skinny, and unwilling to dye my grays(or nature's highlights, as I call them).  He is a nut and annoying...and all mine and worth the wait.

I have wonderful children that drive me crazy and make me laugh.  My babies are my pride and joy.  They are strong willed and funny and so unique in so many ways.  One is a completely wacky, offbeat, insane teenager who is so atypical of his age, it's a blessing...my eight year old is riddled with odd little obsessive/compulsive habits, wonderful artistic talent, and soaks in knowledge like I breathe air...my six year old baby girl is a little fashionista that wears as many pieces of clothing and jewelry as she can, with a sweet little heart underneath all her sass.

And THAT is my legacy, in the end.  The family I have created.  THEY will change the world someday...and maybe it will just be that they have a family of their own.  And that is good enough for me.